Influence

My extended family never seemed particularly tight-knit. We would have the occasional reunion, wedding, or, more often, funeral that would bring people I considered strangers together. It didn't help that I was usually one of the youngest at these events. I was more interested in scoring a free funeral parlor keychain that getting to know all of the older people around me.

Someone in that extended family started a FB page to post old pictures. I managed to get invited by my 2nd or 3rd cousin (honestly I'm not sure which). They have pictures of my grandfather when he was younger, posing with his 8 siblings or his parents.

He passed away when I was 11 yrs old, the week before Valentine's Day. He had a heart attack in the kitchen and was gone. It was one of the few times I've seen my dad cry.

Even though over 20 yrs have passed since I last saw him, I still have the occasional dream about him. If I think about it, I can conjure up all of these random details about him, everything from from the shaving cake and brush he used, to buying Kit-Kat bars from KMart. He made me learn to read, ate dinner while watching The People's Court, drank Sanka, and took afternoon naps.

Then for every detail, there's another layer of memories. I'd watch him shave and he'd stick some cream on my chin. We'd share the tiny guest bathroom, him shaving and me brushing my teeth over the toilet (I was too short to reach the sink).

He would fall asleep in his recliner while I sat in his lap, reading out loud the Dick and Jane books he pulled out of the dumpster at the school he cleaned. I'd try to stop reading and sneak away, but he'd always catch me.

It's weird, thinking back to how young I was compared to him. It wasn't until years after he passed away, did I realize the affect he had on me. As an adult, it makes me wonder if I had any influence on his. I'll never know how much of me hanging out with him was my grandma needing a break, or him actually wanting me around.

I don't mean this in a bad way at all, and I wouldn't feel slighted if it were the former. Most of the time I spent with him I was little, about 3-4yrs. You see things differently when you are that young. And now that my kids are the same age, I have a better understanding of how the adult side operates.

Seeing the pictures of him makes me miss him, but in a good way.

My grandfather, 4th from the left, with all of his siblings except one brother, in 1983.